i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
