Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
