In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
