Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize