I wish my penis had an off switch
that's an acceptable place to lick
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Randomize
