now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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