We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
