You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
