sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
