he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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