I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
