I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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