She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
