everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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