I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
