I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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