i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
