I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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