Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
