We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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