ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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