Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
