I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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