I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
