2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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