tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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