my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
