Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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