peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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