I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
