god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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