Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
