It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
there was a trapeze. enough said
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize