no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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