It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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