I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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