no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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