New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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