so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Every concussion has its silver lining
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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