I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
