babies were throwing up all over the place
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
