I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
