Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
