I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
