I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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