he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
