The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
