I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
