I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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