I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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