If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
