I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i barfeds in our rink
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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