You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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