You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
did i walk over a car last night?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Can you bring me the toilet please
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
