i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
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