so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
that is very illegal...i love you.
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