The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
