No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
