i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
