so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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