omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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