o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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