all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
don't judge my taste in strippers
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Ladies don't puke and tell
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
